What happens when you and your spouse have different financial goals? How do you navigate those difficult conversations when you don’t see eye-to-eye on important goals such as saving for and buying a new home or spending money on travel or a new car? Let’s face it, when you don’t agree with one another on financial matters, other areas of your rlationship may start to get strained. Achieving financial harmony between the two of you is one of the key pillars of a healthy and balanced relationship.
Here are a few suggestions to consider as you seek common ground.
First, begin with yourself. Look at your own relationship with money and think about how your viewpoint could be clouding your judgment of the situation. Each of us has a unique relationship with money, and often, it can be emotional. Some of us still possess the first penny we’ve ever earned! And yet, some of us have already spent our most recent paycheck. A bit of self-introspection is important so that we can be aware of our own “money biases” before we speak with our spouse about financial goals.
Whenever I have a conversation with my wife on any substantive topic, I first try to consider what else is going on in our relationship at that time. She’s always reminded me in various situations to “read the room,” and while that phrase carries a lot of meanings, I find it to be a valuable suggestion for me to consider before we have a money convo.
When you recall a prior conversation that rubbed either of you the wrong way, be sure to acknowledge it and let it in. My wife and I always say that “the water’s always warm,” and anything can be openly shared and discussed. Still, it’s important to recognize a sore spot and be able to put your finger on it before expecting to have an emotionally healthy conversation, especially regarding money.
Once you’ve got a good handle on your own perspective about money and anything going on in your relationship at the time, here are a few thoughts on how to navigate a conversation.
Ever ask your boss for extended time off or a raise? I bet you were keenly aware of what was going on in their work world before having that conversation. The same is true with your spouse. Hopefully both of you look at one another as equals concerning money decisions and choose to respect each other’s opinions. Do both of yourselves a favor by choosing a calm and distraction-free time to discuss important money matters.
Consider being deliberate about sharing your own relationship with money. If your spouse is not the communicative type, that’s ok. Share your perspective and be willing to do so first. Remind your spouse about your own financial background and do so with an example. Something like, “My parents argued about money all the time, and they didn’t have a good understanding of where they were financially. Dad spent, and Mom saved. I saw that friction as a kid, and I don’t want that for us.” Share your financial concerns from your perspective and get to the “why” behind your relationship with money. Make room for your spouse to share their perspective, and be sure to actively listen. Repeat back what you heard. This helps to facilitate an emotional bond as you seek to understand each other’s perspectives. Once you understand one another, try to “bookmark” that level of understanding so that you can return to a safe place if a conversation gets heated.
Once you both have a better and deeper appreciation of the other’s perspectives on money, start discussing goals. This is where the magic happens and includes a healthy combination of left-brain and right-brain. Here’s a suggestion to lay the foundation:
Some people like to write down their goals, others don’t. Most people find that written goals offer a sense of accountability. Others find the process too restrictive. If you are finding challenges talking with your spouse about money and your spouse is not the type of individual who writes down goals, a suggestion would be to go ahead and do so for yourself, and the two of you, anyway.
List your emergency savings goal, including the dollar amount you both have agreed on. Then list your big-ticket goals, such as the purchase of a home, a car, or even paying off student debt. The most important part of the process is finding unity. Start small, build on common ground, and recognize that it’s ok if both of you don’t agree on everything. No two people do. Celebrate what you do agree on, and when you do, you’ll be on your way to fostering financial well-being between the two of you.
Once your shared goals are written down, start working on a plan. Begin with the easiest, most agreeable goal, first. Remember, you want to build and maintain an emotional healthy relationship with money, and most importantly, your spouse. Getting buy-in towards a common purpose and now an action plan will get the two of you working as a team. As Lewis Carroll said, “If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there.” You can always seek the help of a financial professional and engage that person for an initial consultation to get yourself started. If your spouse is open to an honest conversation with an independent third party, I have found that an objective, unbiased opinion can be really helpful when it comes to talking about money, setting goals and building a plan.
Perhaps the most important thing you can do to successfully navigate a financial conversation when your financial goals don’t align is to number your numbers! It’s kind of difficult to say to your spouse, “you spend too much on this or that …” when you don’t know how much either of you spend on various activities important to each of you. There are plenty of financial tools available to help keep track of your personal budget and finances, as well as day-to-day money management.
Find the right money management tool, get started, and analyze the data yourself before having a crucial, financial conversation with your spouse. You might find that your financial goals are not as misaligned as you think. What you could find is that you were not aware of what either or both of you were spending money on. A good personal finance and money management app, and the time using it, will go a long way in helping you with this first step.
If you and your spouse find yourselves unable to find common ground on a financial plan or even shared goals, you may wish to seek the advice of an independent, objective advisor. It is important to seek out a fiduciary advisor who is committed to putting your interests first. If you and your spouse find that other issues regarding your relationship are getting in the way of finding common ground, you may wish to find a marriage counselor or perhaps a cognitive behavioral therapist who can guide you and your spouse in your conversations with one another. The goal is an emotionally healthy relationship with each other and your money.
Once you get started sharing goals and making a financial plan, don’t “set it and forget it.” Be sure you revisit your plan regularly. Life has a way of bringing change! (no kidding). Update your plan with life changes, including a new job (hopefully with a higher salary), a new child, or an inheritance. You may find that if you are the one in your relationship that facilitates these regular conversations about financial planning, the financially challenging conversation with your spouse that brought you to this article in the first place may very well work itself out! I hope so.
Here’s to your emotional and financial well-being!